“I tell you this not as aimless revelation but because I want you to know, as you read me, precisely who I am and where I am and what is on my mind. I want you to understand exactly what you are getting: you are getting a woman who for some time now has felt radically separated from most of the ideas that seem to interest people.”
I figured if I am starting a blog, I should first introduce myself. That way, you can better understand the lens through which I see the world.
I am not interested in politics, professional sports, conspiracies, celebrities, or gossip. I don’t like reality television and when people talk about it, I do judge them. Although I will say that one time when I was visiting my friend in Chicago over the Christmas holiday, we did watch about 20 episodes of 90 Day Fiance. We laughed so hard our bellies were sore. So hey, maybe it’s not all bad.
I am interested in self-betterment, especially as it relates to spiritual development. Basically what I mean by this is I like to do things that I feel are building my character in some way, making me better. I find it most moving to explore this topic physically through intense things like Bikram yoga (108 degrees for 90 minutes of postures) or long distance running. I think this is because I like the body and mind to be fully integrated, going through the same thing. In fact my therapist says I remind her of her olympian client in this way, not to brag. ;-)
However, it is also crucial for me to dive into self-betterment emotionally, particularly in my relationships. I aim to tell more truths–more full truths, expose more vulnerabilities, and embody more confidence. I don’t know why I am so get-bettery, but to me it seems the only possible way in which to live a good life. Can you open my eyes to other ways in which you can do so without improving?
I am interested in love and connection. This is kind of self-explanatory but I love to connect with others–whether it be at the coffee shop having a cute conversation with a barista, or at a sleepover having a deep pillow talk with a best friend. I love giving gifts and sharing experiences with others. I love expressing myself, sharing light, and honoring those around me.
I am interested in self-expression through fashion and other visual choices. I like to present myself to the world through clothing, interior design, and art. People will often say about my outfits, “I would have never thought to put that together,” to which I often wonder if the undertone is “it’s brilliant” or “it’s fucked.” I suspect it is sometimes one and sometimes the other. Recently, I have taken to wearing a dog treat bag, bought from a full-on dog website, as my purse. I enjoy bold patterns, florals, and mid-century modern furniture. I am interested in communication, specifically through written word, spoken word, art, and design.
I am interested in playing (but not watching) sports, particularly volleyball, softball, and golf. I like the aspect of seeing yourself physically improve and also the collaborative angle. It also just feels good–to be outside, the sunshine on your freckly skin, moving your body. But it also goes back to the connection thing, because you get to work with new people to reach a common goal, which is just so sweet when you think about it.
I am interested in food as it relates to health, pleasure, and impact. I follow a vegetarian, largely vegan, diet. I sometimes eat eggs or fish and I do not stress about having dairy in things when I am out to eat. Mine is a philosophy of minimization. I try to eat intuitively and listen to myself without too rigid a structure. I am learning to trust in my hunger, after a long time of being a young woman and fighting against it at every angle.
I’m interested in philosophy, ideas, and thinking. I like to read and listen to podcasts and lectures of the intellectual sort. I find they help me to think in new ways, which is the whole point of this blog by the way, me writing as I explore ideas that will make me think in new ways and you reading which hopefully make you think in new ways. Most of my conversations end up going deep into a conceptual realm. One of my friends recently said that I can take anything to a bird’s eye view. I found truth in this, as a thought I often have is, In the grand scheme of things, what does this one instance really mean?
Also, I like animals, particularly dogs, particularly my dog, Mango. She’s a little baby Dalmatian and she is so sweet and wild. She is one and a half now and I enjoy seeing her change and grow in all kinds of strange ways. Like today, after I gave her a bath, I noticed my toe nails needed to be pedicured so I went to work with her still in the bathroom. I spent 20 minutes clipping my nails and cutting my cuticles and whatnot, while she just stood there patiently waiting. I knew she wanted to go out, but I didn’t really want her to because I prefer she dries off in the bathroom rather than all over my apartment and particularly all over my bed. So she just waited and didn’t cry or be annoying and I found in that much growth.
I tend to move through the world largely unconscious of the day’s news. I aim to form all of my opinions from my personal experience, although I know I have many unexamined ideological beliefs. I gave up news intake during the pandemic and I felt better because of it. I am now very untrusting of any news. I feel like people think that politics is the way in which we can change the world and I just wholeheartedly disagree with that. I think the only way we can change the world is to each get better individually. What does better mean? I don’t know. I suppose it’s different for everyone. But I have a sneaking suspicion that we all have some compass of morality within us, that is informed, yes, by our upbringing, but also just by our nature. In other words, I believe in the spirit. I think we all have one (and that they are all connected) and to be in tune with our spirit is the only way to make the world any better.
Some other things you need to know about me before we get started are these: I like to operate well within systems once I have deemed them worthy of my time and energy. I like learning and working hard to improve. I can’t say I find capitalism particularly worthy of my time and energy, but I also can’t say I don’t. I love my job and have been able to pursue my passion through this economic system. Being a designer is a path I find very much worthy of my time and energy. I try to treat my design skills as if they are a small baby and I need to nurture and care for them every single day.
I also don’t believe in regret. I find it foolish and uninteresting. I like to be present as much as possible, with a slight lean towards the future, setting my future self up as best as I can. I like memories and nostalgia too, to the degree in which they are educational or bring up warm feelings.
My general plan for my life is to be a designer for another 5-10 years or so and then pivot more into fine art. I picture myself painting large, bold, patterny paintings in a sunny warehouse type of space with a couple kids running around at my feet. I will try to teach my kids to be self-sufficient in the way my mother taught me so that when they are in my studio, they can pursue their own little creative agendas. There will also be a dog there, too. Mango might still be alive in ten years, so hopefully it’s her, or else it will be her successor. I hope to pursue art while my kids grow, and set an example of how to follow your heart in a way that is aligned with thriving in the world. Then when they grow out of my house, my husband and I will travel more and I will write more. We will move to Hawaii eventually and spend our remaining days in paradise, enjoying the sun and each other. Of course, there will be bad days too. But I intend to face them with grace and integrity, showing those around me the light that is within me.
I suppose that is all fairly positive, so I’ll try to dig deeper. I dream all night, every night these days and most of them are nightmares, which is strange because I don’t consider myself anxious. I suppose if I am, I'm glad it comes out in my sleep and not my waking time. If I do get anxious during the day, mostly it will relate to what other people think of me (which is annoying). I have a lot of close friends who aren’t close in proximity anymore, which sometimes makes me feel lonely. In fact, I would say a general theme in my life right now is a focus on building friendships.
My official theme of the year is responsibility. This is because I had always shied away from it, instead of embracing it. Only now am I beginning to see the advantage of embracing responsibility. Sure, there are advantages to not having responsibilities, but I do believe the advantages of having them weigh heavier. I want to see who I can become. I’ve started my own design business, I have my own apartment, I have a young dog, and I have a new boyfriend. All of which are avenues through which I am practicing responsibility.
Okay, I feel like this whole thing actually ended up being really boring, so I’ll leave you with a fun story:
One afternoon, a guy I liked and I grabbed our gloves and a baseball (I’m not throwing a softball, he said) and headed to a park near his studio. We pulled up and he said we’d probably have to hop the fence.
“Do you know how to jump a fence?”
I couldn’t tell if he was fucking with me.
“Obviously. You really think I’ve never hopped a fence?” I asked, laughing.
“Okay,” he said, raising his eyebrows as if he knew something I didn’t know. He did this often. It had a patronizing quality to it that always fired me up.
Turns out, there’s a difference between climbing a fence and hopping a fence. Who knew? I thought they were just different ways to say the same thing. Like je ne sais quois and chemistry. But no, suddenly the patronizing tone made complete sense, as I had no clue what I was talking about.
When we got to the four-ish foot chain link fence, he ran up to it, put an arm on the top bar, and swung his legs and body over the side like a pulvulter. He made it look so easy. I saw no reason why I couldn’t do it just the same.
In fact, recently my mom, grandma, and I were watching Funny Girl, the 1960’s Barbara Streisand film. In one scene, she was filling in for a roller skater in a show, but she had no idea how to skate! She made a mess of it, flailing all over the place and running into the other girls, effectively making the whole act into a comedy. Afterwards the director said she should have told him she didn’t know how to skate. She responded, saying I didn’t know I couldn’t!
“That’s so you,” my mom told me, laughing.
And it was. I’ve always learned through trying, never knocking anything until I’ve given it a go. I always assume I can do something until proven otherwise.
“Okay, I got this! Are you ready?!” I said, hyping myself up.
I ran to the fence and when I arrived, I felt a weird blocking hesitation like when I’m standing on the side of a large sea cliff, trying to bring myself to spring down into the water. I felt like I didn’t know what to do with my body (because I didn’t). I was unsure about what was supposed to go where and how it was all going to work out simultaneously.
“Wait, wait, wait,” I said, backpedaling, “let me try again.”
Mind over matter. I took a deep, mind-clearing breath like I was about to go up to bat or shoot a free throw. I ran forward for a second attempt, jumping weakly, getting myself to the top of the fence, without enough momentum to get me over. I wavered there for a moment, thinking you always do this, you always halfway commit. Then, laughing at myself, I let myself back down.
“Wait, I gotta try again,” I said, giggling and running backward.
“Okay,” he said, laughing.
I re-cleared my mind, put on my most serious face, took a deep breath, and went for it. I ran for the fence at full force, grabbed on to the top, swung my left knee over– I was doing it! But then my arm sorta crumbled and my right foot stayed on the wrong side and I dove head first into the green grass, my bare legs were flying around like a daddy long leg spider, all bent and wild. My head ended up near the base of the correct side of the fence and I did a volleyball tuck and roll, effectively not breaking my spine and landing on my knees with a wedgie and a face full of hair, laughing so stinking hard. So yeah, I can jump a fence.
Luckily, he took a video of it. Every time I watch it, I laugh so hard. I’ve never seen myself do something so hilarious. I had no clue what I was doing, yet I tried so completely. The spirit of freedom that is required to try something so full-heartedly is an ethos I always want to embody. I wasn’t living lukewarm. I wasn’t waiting to know before I tried. I wasn’t holding back anything. I was full force, present energy. That’s what makes it so funny. I gave it everything I had and it wasn’t even close to enough. At that point, all you can do is laugh.